I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
