Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
