You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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