Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
