I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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