i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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