He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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