if i can run in heels then i can drive
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
it was like eating out sand paper
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
