Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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