If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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