now i know why i became what i already was.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
