just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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