I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
