you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
