I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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