ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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