onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
