If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
