Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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