I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
