i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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