There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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