My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
