He passed out mid-signature
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
