He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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