some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
