I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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