I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
