I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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