Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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