I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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