life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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