soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
