somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
