I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
