Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
