I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
