You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
