dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
