Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
