I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
