The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
