mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
