In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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