you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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