His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
