My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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