dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
