i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
