Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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