theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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