This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
